contradictory

feels like I've contradicted myself.

few posts ago I was telling myself about isolation and building my walls and now... its hard to suppress my feels and thoughts. I never knew it would be this tough and it's not even a week. initially I believed that time would ease the hurt and now that I look at it; be it the hurt, feelings or thoughts, nothing seems to be going away. instead it just keeps coming back stronger. my thoughts are so overwhelming and to keep it in all by myself makes me so sick and tired of life. sch makes it tougher but the fact that I can get to steal a glance or two of u makes it better, yet hurtful at the same time. how contradicting.

and sometimes I wonder how do u feel, what is actually gg on in your mind.. I wish I knew.

I go to bed in mind that tmr will be a better one cos I look forward to seeing u. but I think that I conceal my emotions and expressions pretty well even I get impressed by myself seriously lol...
"feigning disinterest in something while actually desiring it" yes this describes it all. I could show a poker face while glancing past u when actually deep inside im so glad to have caught a look at u
and u must be thinking that I don't give any shit to this friendship anymore but man I wish I could tell u straight in the face. but then again, no. or....

funny how I still can't decide if I regret ending this or not cos part of me feels glad it ended yet another part tells me to get this friendship back. and it's such a joke cos u might already have given up on this fs or u dont think about us like how I do all the time.. its so hard to focus but I know that if I dont, I'll be so screwed.

life is great, prolly just not this period of time.